The one mindset shift you need to avoid marriage counseling

My newsfeed and inbox are full of women complaining about being home with their husband these last few weeks. They hate it. They’re considering divorce. Marriage counseling isn’t really even on the radar because they already gave up.

Honestly, all of these emails broke my heart. My husband is an essential worker so while we got maybe a little more time with him than usual, due to the chaos in Atlanta, it wasn’t nearly enough. I would have given anything for MONTHS of time with my hubs.

Most people I know think I’m nuts. For about six months last year, my husband came home to work with me. We spent every moment together for six solid months. It was so special because we got to travel and really live a life of freedom. This idea that spending a ton of time with your spouse is something to complain about is disheartening at best. 

What it has shown me is how much work we need to do as a society. 

Marriage is truly just two imperfect people trying to make a perfect union exist. The truth is, when sin entered the world, it made the perfect marriage impossible. Yes, even Glenn and I don’t have a perfect marriage. It’s great but not perfect. 

I think one of the biggest reasons we struggle with our spouse is we don’t hold an eternal perspective.

When your perspective is limited to the here and now and in this moment, it’s easy to let small things become big things.

The small things can take over and create chaos and resentment in your marriage when it’s all you can focus on. 

Add some stressors into the mix like work instability, children, bills, etc. and little things can overtake your life. They become the basis for the reason you start to resent your spouse. 

If you want your relationship to avoid marriage counseling and divorce, you have to stop sweating the small stuff. If your husband forgot to grab milk for the cereal, is it really worth fighting over?

So how do you let go of the little things?

Stop complaining

In general, quit complaining. Stop complaining to your husband. Stop complaining about your husband to others. Quit complaining about the kids, the dogs, the bills, work, etc. Only discussing the negative is going to lead to an overall negative feeling toward the subject.

In reality, you want to be building a positive relationship always so start practicing gratitude. Only tell your friends positive things about your husband.

One thing my husband and I committed to was never discussing each other negatively to others. We don’t allow others in our fights, complaints, etc. We go directly to the source and to God.

I promise once you get out of the habit of complaining, you’ll see things differently.  I know I have friends who complain constantly and it makes it hard to converse with them anymore because it’s always negative when there is so much to be thankful for.

No one is out to get you 

religious intolerance isn't working for anyone

The world has done an amazing job at making everyone a narcissist to some degree. The whole “universe has your back” ideology. All this self-love, manifesting, New Age talk has permeated our world and in turn has left us feeling like if something doesn’t go in my favor, it’s out to get me.

How often do our kids or spouse eat something we’ve been looking forward to? What was only they had that snack turns into no one cares about me. It’s a slippery slope that the world will invite you to get on.

& it’s a destructive slope to be on. In this scenario, everyone is out to get you which only fuels resentment and anger. If you adapt this mentality, your marriage is definitely headed to the therapist’s couch.

Keep your perspective long-term 

I have to ask myself when something irritates me about my kiddos or hubs, “does this matter eternally?”

If the answer is no, then I have to move on.

It’s easy to get wrapped up in the monotonous tasks of the day and feel slighted by the family but if we keep our sights on our eternal potential, it’s much easier to let things roll off our back. I’m not saying you need to just be a doormat but ask yourself if this is a fight worth having. Do you need to discuss it or can we just move on?

Looking Ahead

I promise when you shift your perspective you can spend a little less time with the therapist and more time with your loved ones ACTUALLY enjoying each other. God did not design the marriage to be saddled with problems. It’s when we bring our ego to the marriage we have issues. Radical honesty about how you’re feeling and deciding what is worthy of being emotional about will make a difference. 

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